Dear Future Wife...

Dear Future Wife,

 

I don't know where you are or who you are at the time of writing, but I do hope that this letter reaches you in good health, somewhere safe, saving yourself for me and eagerly anticipating the day we both say "I do" just like I am.

 

I know you are a very brave woman who looks beyond the physical and all the rumors flying around for you to have decided to marry me. For many have come and only you has stayed. By the way, those stories are utterly false; I only had a threesome once, at least at the time of writing this and I did not propose to that girl they say I did, you've only ever been the ONE for me.

 

I know there are six billion and one people reading this, because quite frankly almost everyone in the World reads the DMP blog due to my sheer awesomeness and the awesomeness of DMP by association. I digress! Out of all the people reading this, you are the one lucky person who shall end up with me, so we should know certain things that will set you apart.

 

You are free to have a job; I'd prefer if you didn't though, I'm sure that you met me very comfortable with enough to feed the needy. If you do insist on working; again, I'd prefer if you had your own business and not in an organization where you have to answer to someone who could keep you working late or on the weekends and decline me of time with you. I would like this so you can be available as and when I need you, but also so that you have a strong and lasting physical presence with our children.

In relation to house work, I guess the best thing is for us to have assistance. I will not insist that you clean, wash and iron or maybe even cook, but there should be food. There should always be FOOD! There should NEVER NOT BE FOOD, because I'm sure you know that this man likes to eat and he loves to do it at home while watching something and after sex too…again, I digress!

That brings us to the next thing…SEX! Well, as with food, you will know by now that I love this too and will love to have it multiple times in a day, but off course I'm considerate and I know that I'm not having the sex with myself, so we shall compromise on this, but I'm hoping you're one of those who really love it too so we can spend whole days having sex.

You will be happy to know that we will have just four wonderful children; not three, not five...FOUR! I would also love if we didn't have or at least, not attend our wedding reception; it is just very unnecessary.

Strictly speaking, we shall have no Beyonce music playing in our house and we'd not have Grey's Anatomy or Gossip Girl or any other series I deem unfit for the mind showing; this includes Nigerian movies *except they get better).  We might have to extensively search for old cartoons for our children, because I think the current ones depreciate the IQ.

If you're like born-again Christian like Miss Mabonga and I sincerely hope you are. I will be in full support of any church activities you want to attend and participate in and I hope you would follow the Bible ardently.  You need no reminding of what it says about a wife's duties to her husband. I will expect that you will submit to all my wills and desires as long as they do not lead you to sin. This includes, but is not limited to having sex when and where I want, cooking/feeding me whenever I'm hungry. Cleaning, washing and yes, Dooshima IRONING if need be.  Please, I would also love to not have to ever eat Indomie Noodles or any other type of "Instant" noodles. I would also really appreciate it if you never wear a hairnet or an anklet. Such things will make me love you more.

Dear future wife, do not consider any of this an attempt at wickedness, I love you dearly and will do all within my power to ensure that you are always well provided for, safe and happy. You should also know that I was forced by "the powers that be" to write this letter to you which explains the awkwardness. You know I'm more romantic than it may come off here.

 

Yours forever,

O'Tare…

P.S. If you consider yourself a match and yet we do not end up together, please do not do as Miss Mabonga and adopt children. You should buy cats, they will never leave you, when you're old and grey and have a heart attack and die, they will still be there to feed on your flesh.